Cbd purim 2010.fdr
The Muppets Take Purim (aka The Gonzo Megillah) A Muppet Purim Comedy For Congregation Beth David (Saratoga, California) Please contact before use:[email protected] CAST OF CHARACTERSFOZZIE - ACHASHVEROSHKERMIT - MORDECHAIHAMANESTHERMISS PIGGY - VASHTIHAMANTOSHEN MONSTERCOUNT VON COUNTMUPPET 1MUPPET 2 BEFORE CHAPTER ONE
It's The Purim Shpiel, with your special guest stars, The Muppets. Yay!!! (Aileen sings in the opening notes.) IT'S TIME TO READ MEGILLAHIT'S TIME TO LIGHT THE LIGHTSIT'S TIME TO MEET THE MUPPETS ON THIS EREV PURIM NIGHT.
IT'S TIME TO PUT ON MAKEUPIT'S TIME TO DRESS UP RIGHTIT'S TIME TO GET IN COSTUMES'CAUSE IT'S EREV PURIM NIGHT! WHY EVERY TIME WE COME HERETHE JEWS ARE IN SOME WOEBUT WE WILL COME OUT ON TOPBY THE END OF THIS SHOW IT'S TIME TO READ MEGILLAHIT'S TIME TO DRESS UP RIGHTAND NOW LET'S GET THINGS STARTED ALL EXCEPT KERMIT
WHY DON'T YOU GET THINGS STARTED IT'S TIME TO GET THINGS STARTED ON THE MOST SENSATIONAL INSPIRATIONAL CELEBRATIONAL MEGILLAH-LATIONALTHIS IS WHAT WE CALL THE PURIM SHPIEL (Shofar blast; we see a muppet with a shofar, but hear it from offstage.) Hi-ho, everyone, and welcome to the Purim Show. I am usually Kermit the Frog but tonight you'll know me as Mordechai, the hero of the Purim story.
Oh, Kermie, my hero.
Mordechai. I'm Mordechai tonight.
Oh, sorry. (sweetly) Oh. Mordy. my hero.
Thank you, Piggy.
To whom are you speaking? (aside) You can't call me that tonight. It's a kosher building. You call me that and they'll kick me out on my pork rinds.
Good point. Tonight you will know this lovely lady as the queen of Shushan. (Piggy primps and smiles.) Queen Vashti.
Queen Vashti.
But, ahem, Mordechai. I am supposed to play the ingenue.
It'll be fine, Piggy. Trust me. But we have to keep moving. (Piggy protests.) The show must go on.
(deep breath) All right. But you better be right or it's frog's legs for dinner. (Kermit looks at her.) They wouldn't have those here either, huh? Okay. Vashti. Got it.
The land of Shushan was ruled by King Achashverosh.
King Achashverosh decided to have a huge banquet for all the land.
I've decided to have a huge banquet for all the land, and everyone is invited! And everyone attended the banquet for a hundred eighty days.
A hundred eighty days? I hope it was BYOB.
He summoned his queen, Queen Vashti, to come to him at the banquet. (pause) He summoned Queen Vashti to come to him at the banquet! I just read this story back there. I'm only in one lousy scene. So I am not coming to your stinking banquet.
Queen Vashti refused to come to the king, which is actually how the story goes. And the king decides that he needs a new queen.
Go ahead. Just try it.
I am the king, and I have decided that I need a new queen! King, sir, may I have a word with you in private? (they exit) Hiya!!! And now to read from chapter one, on page (insert page), is (insert name). Yaaaayyyyy! BEFORE CHAPTER TWO
SHUSHAN DAYSWEEPIN' THE CLOUDS AWAYON MY WAY TO WHERE THE AIR IS SWEETCAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET,HOW TO GET TO SHUSHAN STREETHOW TO GET TO SHUSHAN STREETHOW TO GET TO.
It's right here, sweetheart.
Oh, thank you very much.
So, you're the one he got to play Esther? Hmph.
I am Esther.
Listen, girl. My. Mordechai. Is a one-woman frog. You got that? I don't know what you mean. Mordechai is my uncle. He wants me to enter a pageant at the palace. If I win I get to be the next queen.
You haven't won yet? Hmm.
It's where I'm going right now. And can you keep a secret? Oh, of course, sweetie. Anything for you.
I'm not supposed to tell them I'm Jewish.
Yeah, yeah. So you haven't become queen yet? And the pageant is that way? Shove over, sister. (PIGGY pushes past ESTHER and heads toward the palace.)
So Esther wins the pageant and becomes the new queen.
I'm sorry. Vashti. The show must go on. So, go on. (nervous) Please? You haven't seen the last of me. Hmph! MUPPET 1 (TERESH) - YELLMO
You know, Bigtan, I think we need to assassa. assassa.
MUPPET 2 (BIGTAN) - COOKIE MONSTER
No. Kill the king.
The script told me to.
Good enough for me. And who does he think he is, making his banquet BYOB? Let's get him.
Well, I'm off to report Bigtan and Teresh to the authorities. While I'm gone, to read from chapter two, on page (insert page), here's (insert name). Yaaaayyyyy! BEFORE CHAPTER THREE
Now we come to chapter three, where we see the bad guy for the first time. Every time you hear his name you have to drown it out by making noise.
(loud horn or somesuch) Wakka-wakka! Thank you, Fozzie.
That's not my name tonight.
All right. Thank you, King Achashverosh.
Gesundheit! Wakka-wakka! Will you get out of here! So when when you hear the bad guy's name you have to wait for when the name is actually said, and you have to stop after just a few seconds. We have a special guest who will do a song to help you practice.
DOO DOO DOO-DOO-DOO (SOME DO IT IN RHYTHM WITH GRAGGARS) DOO DOO DO-DO-DOO, DO-DO-DOO, DO-DO-DOODO-DO-DOO DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DOO.
(LONG PAUSE. TRICK THEM.) HAMAN HAMAN (TRICK THEM AGAIN.) HAMAN HAMAN DOO DOO DO-DO-DOO, DO-DO-DOO, DO-DO-DOODO-DO-DOO DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DOO.
That song was so good. I have a very important job for you. I need you to go around Shushan and make sure everyone bows down to you all the time.
You got it, boss. (To KERMIT:) Well?
How am I supposed to bow to you? I don't have knees.
You're in trouble now. I'm casting lots to decide what day to kill not only you but all the Jews in Shushan.
COUNT VON COUNT
Today's winning number is thirteen. The thirteenth of Adar.
Is that okay with you, king? Uh, sure. (aside) Sorry, Kermit.
And now to read from chapter three, on page (page), here's (insert name). Yaaaayyyyy! READ CHAPTER THREE BEFORE CHAPTER FOUR
(ALL brace themselves.)
(ALL cover their ears.)
.decides to kill us all on the thirteenth of Adar, a great sense of mourning descends on all the Jews.
MUPPET 1 - COUNT
I sense great mourning.
MUPPET 2 - YELLMO
Me, too. I just woke up, it's sunny outside. What a beautiful day! MUPPET 1 - COUNT
Not morning. Mourning. (heavy sigh, instructively) MUPPET 2 - YELLMO
(rolls eyes) What will the Jews do to survive? Mordechai decides to talk to the queen and get her help.
Here I am. What can I do for you? Actually, the other queen. The Jewish queen.
Is this another pork joke? No, it's just that Esther is the queen who's secretly Jewish.
Vashti could have been secretly Jewish.
It doesn't say that anywhere.
That's because it's a secret! Will you let me do this scene? Fine, go to your little girlfriend.
Niece! Esther is Mordechai's niece.
Did I hear my name? Yes, I wonder if you can intercede with the king, and get him to overturn (ALL brace themselves.)
(ALL cover their ears.)
.decree to kill us all.
Oh, but he hasn't summoned me. Anyone who goes before the king without being summoned is put to death.
Nice family you married into.
Esther, you have to. We'll all die. We're your people.
Okay, I'll see what I can do.
And so will we, as (insert name) continues on page (insert page) with chapter four. Yaaaayyyyy! READ CHAPTER FOUR BEFORE CHAPTER FIVE
So before she risks her life going to the king unsummoned, Esther fasts for three days.
There wasn't anything fast about it.
And she goes before the king.
.and so the boy says, "I'm not a Shoeshine Boy, I'm a Shushan Boy!" (laughs, alone) What are you doing here? Don't you know I put people to death for coming to me unsummoned? Unless you liked my joke. (pause) Did you? I loved it. I wanted to invite you and (ALL brace themselves.)
(ALL cover their ears.)
.to a feast.
Oh, boy! A feast! So they attended Esther's feast. And Esther worked up all the courage she could, and asked her king.
Can you both come to another feast tomorrow? Sure! That's the thing about Shushan food. I'm hungry again just a day later! (laughs, alone) I'll come back tomorrow. If you'll excuse me, I have a date with the hangman.
I've wondered about you two.
No, no. I'm having him build gallows fifty cubits high to hang my enemy.
Okay. Don't stay up too late! Will Esther save her people at the second feast? Will (ALL brace themselves.)
(ALL cover their ears.)
.succeed in hanging Mordechai? (gulp) We'll find out, but now here's (insert name) to read from chapter five on page (insert page). Yaaaayyyyy! READ CHAPTER FIVE BEFORE CHAPTER SIX
Chapter Six is brought to you by the letter Hay.
NOW WHAT STARTS WITH DA LETTER HAYHAMANTOSHEN STARTS WITH HAYLET'S THINK OF OTHER THINGS THAT STARTS WITH HAYUH. UH. WHO CARE ABOUT DA OTHER THINGS?!? HAY IS FOR HAMAN-TOSHEN'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR MEHAY IS FOR HAMAN-TOSHEN FILLED WITH FRUIT FOR MEHAY IS FOR HAMAN-TOSHEN'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR MEOH! HAMAN, HAMAN TOSHEN, WITH HAY Hey, you know what? A hamantoshen with one bite out of it. doesn't look like a Hay. Hmm. If me take two bites here, and here. Hmm. Me gonna work on it. Everybody! HAY IS FOR HAMAN-TOSHEN'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR MEHAY IS FOR HAMAN-TOSHEN FILLED WITH FRUIT FOR MEHAY IS FOR HAMAN-TOSHEN'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR MEOH! HAMAN, HAMAN TOSHEN, STARTS WITH HAY And now to read from chapter six, on page (insert page), here's (insert name). Yaaaayyyyy! BEFORE CHAPTER SEVEN
I can't sleep. Someone read to me from my book of chronicles.
MUPPET 1 - YELLMO
Mordechai saved the king from Bigtan and Teresh who threatened to assassa. assassa.
MUPPET 2 - COUNT
To kill him.
Wow! What did I do to repay him? MUPPET 1 - YELLMO
I have it right here. If I remember right. Nothing.
Wow. What kind of king am I? Don't answer that! All right, get me (ALL brace themselves.)
(ALL cover their ears, except FOZZIE.)
Wait! No! I didn't mean to! I meant "that guy!" I didn't mean to say Haman! (ALL cover their ears. Except FOZZIE.)
No!!! (after sound dies:) That's better. So, Haman.
(ALL cover their ears, groaning. FOZZIE shakes his head.)
(whimper) .how should I honor someone very important? Oh, you should let me. I mean him, wear the royal robes and crown, and be led around town on one of your royal horses.
That sounds great! Do that for Mordechai. And I want you to lead the horse through town. He's a great guy, don't you think? I think he'll be a great guy to have hanging around on the thirteenth of Adar.
(ALL brace themselves.)
(ALL cover their ears.)
.led Mordechai around on the king's horse all day, then came to Esther's second banquet for him and the king.
Today can only get better.
(Pointing out HAMAN:) He wants to kill my people.
Your people?!? No I don't, I want to kill the Jews.
Don't worry, it's kosher for you to be married to me.
Was that another pork joke? I'm so confused.
(showing him the script) Tell them to hang (ALL brace themselves.)
(ALL cover their ears.)
.on the gallows he built for me.
Hang Haman .
(ALL brace themselves, cover their ears.)
.on the gallows he built for me.
Close enough. And now to read from chapter seven, on page (insert page), here's (insert name). Yaaaayyyyy! READ CHAPTER SEVEN BEFORE CHAPTER EIGHT
I appoint Mordechai to a very high office in my government.
It's on the tenth floor.
Aren't we forgetting something? The king needs to retract (ALL brace themselves.) Haman's.
(ALL cover their ears.)
.decree against all of us. It's still on the books.
Don't you mean on the scroll? Okay, okay. I retract the decree! From this day forward, Shushan is free for everybody! Free shoe shines for everybody? Yay! No, no. Not shoe shine.
And now to read from chapter eight, on page (page), here's (insert name). Yaaaayyyyy! READ CHAPTER EIGHT BEFORE CHAPTER NINE
On the thirteenth of Adar, the Jewish people defeat (ALL brace themselves.)
(ALL cover their ears.)
.and his followers. Instead of Mordechai and the Jews being wiped out that day, (ALL
brace themselves) Haman.
(ALL cover their ears.)
. is hung that day along with his ten sons.
COUNT VON COUNT
One Haman son! Two Haman son! Three Haman son! Four Haman son! Five Haman.
Yes, yes, we get the point. I knew we could count on you.
(enter) Oh, please. Even I wouldn't have made that joke. (exit) So the Jews of Shushan finishes taking care of their enemies. And Mordechai, that's me, writes down everything that happened and establishes the holiday of Purim.
God bless us, everyone.
What? Oh. Sorry.
Let's just hear chapter nine before we have to file for chapter eleven. And now to read from chapter nine, on page (insert page), here's (insert name). Yaaaayyyyy! READ CHAPTER NINE BEFORE CHAPTER TEN
On behalf of all the kingdom of Shushan, I recognize Mordechai as a hero. He's saved himself and his entire people! And now Mordechai sits on a hill overlooking Shushan, singing about the new holiday he's founded, the holiday of Purim.
WHY AREN'T THERE SO MANYSONGS ABOUT PURIMSOMEHOW IT HAS BEEN DENIEDJEWS WROTE WHITE CHRISTMASBUT SOMETHING IS AMISSTHERE'S NO HIT SONG FOR MORDECHAI IF ADAM SANDLER WROTE ONE WE'D ALL BUY ITSOMEONE CALL HIS AGENT FOR MESOME DAY WE'LL FIND ITTHE PURIM CONNECTIONFOR GRAGGERS, FOR ESTHER, AND ME.
DAH DAH DAH DEEDAH DAH DAHDAH DAH DAH DAH DAH, DAH DAH.
Source: http://brookwrite.com/playwright/scripts/CBD_Purim_2010.pdf
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